The Weight We Don’t Name: A Women’s Day Reflection on First-born Daughters
- Avela Njwambe
This Women’s Day, I want to start a long-overdue conversation: one about the silent, often invisible burden carried by first-born daughters.
In an shaped by deeply rooted patriarchal systems, the first-born daughter often inherits a dual identity: being a girl child and a caregiver, and the expectation is not questioned but normalised.
A 2020 study from the found that in several Sub-Saharan regions, first-born girls take on three to four times more domestic and caretaking duties than their male counterparts. These girls are often described as “helpers,” “mini mothers,” or, worse, “second wives” titles that may seem harmless but can be suffocating to a child.
In South Africa, shows that women (of all ages) shoulder more responsibility for social reproduction regardless of being wives or mothers, affecting their wellbeing through stress, reduced life satisfaction, and depression. This disproportionate burden of care work starts early, as girls are socialised into caregiving roles at a young age, a pattern that is not unique to South Africa but reflected globally. and show that first-born daughters are socialized about the gendered social rules as early as 11 years and are made to accept it as “natural” and expected. This belief follows them into adulthood and reinforces gender and pay inequality.
As a first-born daughter myself, I reflect on my own life experiences- a reflection triggered by an Instagram post by Fifty-Four Magazine titled “We just celebrated Mother’s Day: an ode to first born daughters.” The post highlighted the invisible burden of care that first-born daughters carry and how we have been conditioned to perform calm while everything around us was “burning”.
I became a caregiver at 10 years old, when my sister was born. Over time, I became what I am now called the “deputy parent”, as I have co-run the household alongside my mother. However, there are psychological and wellbeing consequences that we do not speak about as first-born daughters. on the “eldest daughter syndrome” highlights how first-born daughters often carry excessive emotional and practical responsibilities, leading to heightened stress, anxiety, and even depression later in life.
And so the truth is, just because we carried it so well does not mean it wasn’t heavy.
This Women’s Day, let us name this experience, give it language, and make it visible – as what is visible can be challenged, shared, and eventually changed.
This Women’s Day, let's challenge the normalisation of girlhood as a training ground for caregiving and allow children to be just children. As we celebrate women this month, let’s create a softer landing for first-born daughters who have always had to be strong for everyone else.